Telling 'em where to go!

 

 

 

 

 

 

I borrowed this from Calling 911 

 

 

You Might Be a Dispatcher If . . .

• You have the bladder capacity of five people
• You get impatient listening to others relate a story-you want "just the facts"
• You believe 90% of people can't look up a telephone number
• You idea of a good time is an armed robbery with injuries resulting in a high-speed chase
• You get easily bored with happy, content people
• You have perfected the phrase "I pay taxes, too"
• You can talk on the phone, listen to the radio and type a request into the computer at the same time without missing anything
• You think it's funny when a regular "client" accidental kills himself trying to break into a business
• You can give directions to any location in town off the top of your head
• You can relate a 10-minute story over a two-hour time period, after many interruptions, without losing your place
• You see stress as a normal state of life
• You refuse to allow anyone to say "Have a quiet shift"
• Your friends and neighbors call you for legal advice
• You can give anyone the exact address of every bar in your jurisdiction
• You question the motives of anyone who makes an effort to get to know you after they learn your profession
• You know the phone number of every restaurant or business that delivers food, especially late at night
• You view caffeine as one of the major nutritional minerals
• You answer your home phone "911, what's your emergency?"
• You think pizza, cookies and a Coke are a balanced meal
• You tell cops where to go without fear
• You spell everything phonetically
• You can only tell time with a 24-hour clock
• You acknowledge your family's remarks with the time

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix,
empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed,
tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube,
stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite,
pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch,
toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave,
return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl,
show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend,
implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel,
ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce,
aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify,
sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil,
embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug,
locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate,
repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for,
die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit,
enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle,
snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate,
spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify,
take her places,scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence,
diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade,flip,
flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather,
mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle,slam-dunk,
keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate,gelatinize,
brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coralwax,
ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant,idolize
and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.


HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME

Show up naked.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Murphy's Law On Sex
============

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

2. Nothing improves with age.

3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.

4. Sex has no calories.

5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

8. No sex with anyone in the same office.

9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

12. Virginity can be cured.

13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.

17. It is always the wrong time of month.

18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.

22. The younger the better.

23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.

25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

27. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.

28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.

29. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.

30. Love is a hole in the heart.

31. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.

32. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.

33. Do it only with the best.

34. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

35. One good turn gets most of the blankets.

36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

39. Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.

40. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.

41. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

42. Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.

43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.

44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

46. Never say no.

47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.

48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.

51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.

52. Love comes in spurts.

53. The world does not revolve on an axis.

54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

56. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.

57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.

58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.

59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

60. "This won't hurt, I promise."